Jason S. Carroll shares insights as to how a new period experienced between adolescence and adulthood, "emerging adulthood (Arnett, 2000)" has occurred. "Emerging adulthood takes place when young adults have not yet entered into the commitments and lifestyle patterns of married adult life. This raises the important question: What kind of impact does this period of extended singleness have on adults' preparation for marriage and family life? (Successful Marriages and Families)"
Jason. S. Carroll indicated that some of the drawbacks from a modern dating and courtship culture with a lack of socially defined norms, rituals and relationship milestones are: pessimism about marriage, getting ahead before getting wed, hanging out and hooking up, and acceptance of cohabitation.
In pessimism about marriage, Jason S. Carroll expresses that "pessimism about marriage and wariness of divorce among emerging adults is creating a culture of divorce preparation rather than a culture of marriage preparation." This leads to a young adult's need in thinking about oneself and actively choosing to live out the "single life" before getting married. Carroll references a recent study, where "more than half of young adults today rank having “fully experienced the single life” as an important criterion to achieve before getting married (Carroll, Badger, Willoughby, Nelson, Madsen, & Barry, 2009).
Getting ahead before getting wed can be understood as prioritizing one's own personal interests over formation of a marital relationship. In order to nurture our understanding, Jason S. Carroll connects us with another recent study, where we learn that "a considerable proportion of emerging adults reported that to be marriage-ready they not only needed to be financially independent from their parents (91 percent), but they also needed to be finished with their education (43 percent) and settled into a long-term career (51 per-cent) (Carroll et al., 2009)". This differs from life in the past as these financial goals were accomplished during married life, and are now desired to be accomplished prior to getting married.
Hanging out and hooking up reflects on how "young women and men more often “hang out” rather than go on planned dates. Young adults often report finding that even when they have been hanging out with someone over a period of time, they still do not know if they are a couple ... Even though premarital sexual behavior has been shown to be a significant risk factor for future marital success (Heaton, 2002), single life in modern culture has become synonymous with sexual experimentation in non-committed relationships" (Successful Marriages & Family).
Acceptance of cohabitation ties into the growing belief of young, emerging adults that cohabitation prior to marriage is a good way to avoid divorce. Using research to further expand, "Studies on cohabitation and later marital success have consistently found that couples who cohabit before marriage are more likely to divorce than couples who do not cohabit before marriage (Jose, O’Leary, & Moyer, 2010)".
Knowing the dangers of our modern and decomposing dating and courtship culture, we can competently prepare ourselves by enacting the "becoming" approach to dating. The becoming approach centers on "personal readiness, maturity, and growth (Successful Marriages & Family)." It emphasizes becoming ready for marriage and committing to marriage once that choice has been made. Other factors that strengthen our progression towards marriage are our ability to love and communicate.
In finding a "Choice Eternal
Companion", Jason S. Caroll advises readers on what to consider when
finding such a mate:
- When one should seek to get married
- Whom they should seek as a marriage
companion
- How to date in ways that will most
likely lead toward the formation of eternal marriages
Elder Richard G. Scott gave us some insight into the first principle: "Throughout your life on earth, seek diligently to fulfill the fundamental purposes of this life through the ideal family. While you may not have yet reached that ideal, do all you can through obedience and faith in the Lord to consistently draw as close to it as you are able. Let nothing dissuade you from that objective". This means that there isn't a specific age or time to get married, but it is a goal that we should work toward so we can be ready when that time comes.
We learn in Successful Marriages & Families to be weary of the concept of soul mates versus eternal companions. A belief of soul mates can lead us into having unrealistic expectations, and not knowing how to respond when those expectations are not met. One will be going on a life-long search if we believe that the person we marry has to be perfect. "Even among Latter-Day Saints, soul mate beliefs can be lead to unrealistic expectations about marriage. In one study, Latter-Day Saint marriage counselors listed "unrealistic expectations of marriage or spouse" as the most frequently reported issue they encountered in their work (Stahmann & Adams, 1997)" (Successful Marriages & Families).
President Spencer W. Kimball once said, “The successful marriage depends in large measure upon the preparation made in approaching it. . . . One cannot pick the ripe, rich, luscious fruit from a tree that was never planted, nurtured, nor pruned (1969, p. 242)”.
I invite all the readers to prepare now with the end goal in mind, in order to create the marriage they dream of.
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