Should I Keep Trying To Work It Out?

    In Chapter 8 of Successful Marriages & Families, Should I Keep Trying To Work It Out? Sacred and Secular Perspectives on the Crossroads of Divorce, written by Alan J. Hawkins and Tamara A. Fackrell, the affects of divorce and when it should be considered are discussed. 

    The negative impact of divorce on children is seen in many ways. "Children who experience their parents' divorce are less likely to graduate from high school, go to college, or graduate from college once they start" (Amato, 2005; Wallerstein et al, 2000). "They are twice as likely to doubt their parents' religious beliefs and less likely to attend church services" (Marquardt, 2005). "They are at greater risk for early sexual behavior and pregnancy" (Woodward, Ferguson, & Horwood, 2001). "And they are much more likely to experience a divorce when they marry" (Wolfinger, 2005). 

    The spiritual counsel on divorce clarifies it's role associated with the doctrine of marriage and what we can interpret as just cause for divorce.

  

    Elder Dallin H. Oaks (2007, p.70) explained "Because of the hardness of our hearts, the Lord does not currently enforce the consequences of the celestial standard of marriage. He permits divorced parents to marry again". Elder Oaks (2007, p.71) also taught "when a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it".

    President James E. Faust instructs that although the Lord allows divorce and remarriage, the standard for divorce is still high. He shares, ""just cause" should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person's dignity as a human being". 

    Let's break this down. "The first part of President Faust's test is that only prolonged marital difficulties should lead a couple to contemplate divorce. By this we believe President Faust counsels that spouses should not seek a divorce without a lengthy period of time to attempt to repair or reduce serious problems" (Successful Marriages & Families). If personal safety is an issue during this period of repair, then a separation is likely necessary as the possibility of repentance, forgiveness and change is determined. 

    The second part of this test is an apparently irredeemable relationship. "By this this we believe President Faust means that there appears to be little hope for repairing the marital relationship. This determination requires that sincere and sustained efforts have been made to understand and fix the problems" (Successful Marriages & Families). We are urged to do all that we can to protect our marriage.

The third part of this test, the destruction of human dignity, emphasizes that the relationship has "deteriorated to the point that it threatens to destroys the dignity of one or both spouses. By this we believe President Faust means that the marital problems have become serious enough over a period of time than an individual begins to lose his or her sense of worth. Although this may be a difficult standard to discern, certainly abuse or repeated infidelity can threaten a victim's sense of worth" (Successful Marriages and Families). Feelings of unhappiness or being unfulfilled does not meet this standard. These are to be motivators to change what needs improved in the marriage. 

    Secular perspectives depict that one should allow time for deciding about divorce. "A study that followed divorced individuals wished they had worked harder to try to overcome their differences" (see Hawkins & Fackrell, 2009, 65-74). "A study that followed divorced individuals over a long period of time found that in 75 percent of divorced couples at least one partner was having regrets about the decision to divorce at least one year after the break up" (Hetherington & Kelly, 2002). Trying to solve problems before deciding to divorce can be vital in preserving your marriage. "Research shows that a high percentage of people who say they are unhappy in their marriage, but persevere for several years, later report that their marriages are happy again" (Waite & Gallagher, 2000). 

    The best course of action to take is to seek divine help, among other necessary actions, such as talking to a bishop or counselling. "Whatever sincere actions are taken, we know that a loving God will support those efforts to help couples preserve a union that is essential to his plan for the eternal welfare of his children. And if those efforts ultimately prove unfruitful, then couples know that they have done all they could to honor a relationship ordained of God" (Successful Marriages and Families).