Social Policies To Assist and Bless Families and Children

    Michael M. Seipel, author of Chapter 28 In Successful Marriages and Families, Social Policies to Assist and Bless Families and Children, emphasizes the outlined duty in the Family Proclamation, "... We call upon the responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society". 

    Families under stress and needy families share a commonality: economic pressure. Low-income families lack access to health insurance and face increased financial risk due to debt. "In 2005, about 25 percent of people who earned less than $24,000 a year did not have health insurance, while less than 10 percent of the people who earned more than $75,000 had none (DeNavas-Walt, Proctor, & Smith, 2009)". "In 2008, the total consumer debt reached $2.57 trillion and the number of low-income households with credit card debt increased by 18 percent, the largest increase of any income group (Mintz, 2008)". Making low-income families a priority will allow parents to be lifted out of poverty and gain the resources necessary to care for their family's physical needs. As they are relieved from the worries and stressors of poverty, they will be able to focus on the spiritual and emotional needs of the family, while cultivating individual talents of their children that contribute in the maximization of their full potential. 

    Matthew 25:40 reads, "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me".   How can we fulfill our religious duty to care for the needy and the poor? 

    Income security policies, such as living wage law, pension reform and asset-development policies can be of major assistance. Supportive tax structures, which include Earned Income Tax Credit and tax reform, will be supportive of the family unit. Strengthening Social Service Provisions. like the Family and Medical Leave Act and obtainable health insurance, can bring about positive changes. 

    To elaborate, in the year 2009, the "current minimum wage ($7.25/hr), for instance, full-time workers working all year long will earn $13,920 - far short of the $18,310 federal poverty guideline for a family of three" (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Assistant Secretary for Planning and Evaluation, 2009). Acquiring a living wage law will permit low-income working families to cover the costs of running a home, pay for suitable health care, and overall, raise children. 

   In terms of tax reform, many adjustments can be beneficial. To start off, "personal exemptions and standard deduction should be updated to reflect inflation" (Successful Marriages & Families). Through this, the unfortunate will be below taxable income brackets altogether. Next, Earned Income Tax Credits should be applied, and "the credit should be refundable so that cash benefits are given to low-income workers, even if they don't owe taxes" (Successful Marriages & Families). Then, taxes should be raised on the highest income earners.

    While the Family and Medical Leave Act has encouraged family members to take needed time off due to a birth of a child or an ill parent, the reality of it being an unpaid leave is not favorable to low-income families. Altering the FMLA to a universal paid sytem would carry more value. Many benefits, such as fostering loyalty among employees and better health outcomes for new mothers, would bless the lives of so many families.

    Rick Riordan once said, "Fairness does not mean the same. Fairness means everyone gets what they need". 

Marriage In The Later Years

    What are some of the challenges and opportunities that couples face in marriage in the later years? How can we manage these challenges and make the most out of those opportunities?

In Successful Marriages & Families, we learn the following:

• Empty nest: The natural process of launching children can cause strain and unveil marital difficulties for couples who allowed differences to cause distance and grow over time. Role transitions take place, especially for mothers. To manage this challenge, we can develop a partner-focused marriage. "Couples must draw together, rekindle romance and begin to redefine themselves as marital partners as well as parents or individuals". 

• Retirement: Retirement can bring the conflict of space and division of household labors if couples are not well-adjusted or do not prepare for this period. Retiring to something, such as a hobby or community involvement, can smooth this transition and add to marital satisfaction. 

• Physical decline: In the aging process, natural declines occur in mobility, memory, stamina, strength, sex functioning, and within the other senses. The challenge of accepting the changes that accompany aging can trigger what some of us know to be a midlife crisis. "Dealing with the aging process within a marriage requires providing encouragement and support as declines march on, and helping one another accept the changes that accompany aging". Broadening the definition of adult romantic love to include stability and serenity can positively contribute to this process. 

• Caregiving: Caregiving can involve caring for children, a spouse, or a parent. Couples in this stage experience demands on their time and resources. "Managing these difficult times in the marital life cycle with some sense of dignity will likely require all of the resources a spouse has developed over the years (such as wisdom and long suffering) as well as the consistent support of additional loved ones". Divine help will also be needed. 

• Loss of a loved one: Loss of a loved one can pertain to a child, parent, and even spouse. While grieving and sorrow are natural, even healthy, it can lead to distance and separation in marriage if partners fail to connect or bond during grieving. Couples that face this situation must work to find shared coping mechanisms that unite them. For a spouse that faces widowhood, a perceived strong marital connection, even after the death of a spouse, is associated with positive outcomes.

• Addressing old wounds: Marital disappointments need forgiving and healing. Two distinct processes entail such acts. Exoneration "means the victim can come to understand the frailties and humanity of the victimizer, without necessarily resolving the injury. Forgiveness means "the victim and victimizer are actually able to restore a loving and trustworthy relationship". When the victim permits the victimizer to exhibit trustworthiness and show love in an attempt to heal past hurt, the opportunity for compensation is being given. The overt act of forgiveness can also bring immense healing. During this process, "both the victim and victimizer directly address past wrongs and apologies are offered and received". 

    Aging brings the opportunity to gain perspective, wisdom and the ability to share life's experiences so others can learn from them. Increased discretionary time becomes a reality. Hobbies, interests, and projects can now be pursued. Another gift of aging is the ability to provide service in the community or for loved ones. 

    Maturing in one's marriage is a time of challenge, but it can also be a time of deep joy. As one approaches these challenges with commitment, tenacity and faith, they can be successfully confronted as a partnership. "The rewards of such "works of righteousness ... including peace in this life and eternal life in the world  to come" (D&C 59:23) are within the reach of all older couples" (Successful Marriages & Families) who are willing to give consistent effort to the application of principles that lead to a secure and loving bond in marriage. 

Should I Keep Trying To Work It Out?

    In Chapter 8 of Successful Marriages & Families, Should I Keep Trying To Work It Out? Sacred and Secular Perspectives on the Crossroads of Divorce, written by Alan J. Hawkins and Tamara A. Fackrell, the affects of divorce and when it should be considered are discussed. 

    The negative impact of divorce on children is seen in many ways. "Children who experience their parents' divorce are less likely to graduate from high school, go to college, or graduate from college once they start" (Amato, 2005; Wallerstein et al, 2000). "They are twice as likely to doubt their parents' religious beliefs and less likely to attend church services" (Marquardt, 2005). "They are at greater risk for early sexual behavior and pregnancy" (Woodward, Ferguson, & Horwood, 2001). "And they are much more likely to experience a divorce when they marry" (Wolfinger, 2005). 

    The spiritual counsel on divorce clarifies it's role associated with the doctrine of marriage and what we can interpret as just cause for divorce.

  

    Elder Dallin H. Oaks (2007, p.70) explained "Because of the hardness of our hearts, the Lord does not currently enforce the consequences of the celestial standard of marriage. He permits divorced parents to marry again". Elder Oaks (2007, p.71) also taught "when a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it".

    President James E. Faust instructs that although the Lord allows divorce and remarriage, the standard for divorce is still high. He shares, ""just cause" should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person's dignity as a human being". 

    Let's break this down. "The first part of President Faust's test is that only prolonged marital difficulties should lead a couple to contemplate divorce. By this we believe President Faust counsels that spouses should not seek a divorce without a lengthy period of time to attempt to repair or reduce serious problems" (Successful Marriages & Families). If personal safety is an issue during this period of repair, then a separation is likely necessary as the possibility of repentance, forgiveness and change is determined. 

    The second part of this test is an apparently irredeemable relationship. "By this this we believe President Faust means that there appears to be little hope for repairing the marital relationship. This determination requires that sincere and sustained efforts have been made to understand and fix the problems" (Successful Marriages & Families). We are urged to do all that we can to protect our marriage.

The third part of this test, the destruction of human dignity, emphasizes that the relationship has "deteriorated to the point that it threatens to destroys the dignity of one or both spouses. By this we believe President Faust means that the marital problems have become serious enough over a period of time than an individual begins to lose his or her sense of worth. Although this may be a difficult standard to discern, certainly abuse or repeated infidelity can threaten a victim's sense of worth" (Successful Marriages and Families). Feelings of unhappiness or being unfulfilled does not meet this standard. These are to be motivators to change what needs improved in the marriage. 

    Secular perspectives depict that one should allow time for deciding about divorce. "A study that followed divorced individuals wished they had worked harder to try to overcome their differences" (see Hawkins & Fackrell, 2009, 65-74). "A study that followed divorced individuals over a long period of time found that in 75 percent of divorced couples at least one partner was having regrets about the decision to divorce at least one year after the break up" (Hetherington & Kelly, 2002). Trying to solve problems before deciding to divorce can be vital in preserving your marriage. "Research shows that a high percentage of people who say they are unhappy in their marriage, but persevere for several years, later report that their marriages are happy again" (Waite & Gallagher, 2000). 

    The best course of action to take is to seek divine help, among other necessary actions, such as talking to a bishop or counselling. "Whatever sincere actions are taken, we know that a loving God will support those efforts to help couples preserve a union that is essential to his plan for the eternal welfare of his children. And if those efforts ultimately prove unfruitful, then couples know that they have done all they could to honor a relationship ordained of God" (Successful Marriages and Families). 

They Cannot Be Lost: Temple Covenants Save Lives

    Temple ordinances and the Atonement of our Savior Christ have the power to save children. 

    Successful Marriages & Families allows us to explore the prophetic promises made to faithful parents that are challenged with straying children. In Successful Marriages & Families, it states, "Thankfully, latter-day prophets and apostles assure us that the Atonement and sealing ordinances are sufficiently powerful to eventually bring salvation to the children of parents who diligently seek to keep their temple covenants. The Prophet Joseph Smith promised that "when a seal is put upon the father and mother, it secures their posterity, so that they cannot be lost, but will be saved by virtue of the covenant of their father and mother" (1976, p.321)". It continues by stressing that God, our Father in Heaven that loves us so infinitely, is the one that judges the ultimate reward of those that deviate from holding onto the iron rod. 

    The Atonement can save our spirits as it is both infinite and eternal. We learn of this in Alma 34:10, 14. "There is no limit to it's capacity to cover sins of every type, severity, and frequency". It is effective in this life and the next. We have been warned that intentionally putting off our repentance is disobedient and puts one's individual reward at risk of not being received. 

  In the scriptures, Mosiah 3:19, D&C 121: 141-142 counsel in favor of warm emotions, such as patience, love unfeigned, and long-suffering. At the same time, the scriptures warn against anger, hate, resentment, envy and jealousy. Nurturing those warm emotions will aid family members in managing the tribulations they face when parenting and loving children that choose to go astray. 

    Successful Marriages & Families highlight the commands in The Family: A Proclamation to The World. "Love is virtually commanded and tied to moral commitment and obligation, even toward family members who seem committed to breaking God's commandments". The commands in the Proclamation are clear. "Husband and wife have the solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children" ... and "parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness ... to teach them to love and serve one another". 

    President Boyd K. Packer elaborated on the binding power of the sealing ordinance in a 2018 Worldwide Leadership Training Meeting: "Now, sometimes there are those that are lost. We have the promise of the prophets that they are not lost permanently, that if they are sealed in the temple ordinances, and if they covenants are kept by the parents, in due time, after all the correction that's necessary to be given, that they will not be lost". President Joseph Fielding Smith once declared that "those born under the covenant, throughout all eternity, are the children of their parents. Nothing except the unquestionable sin, or sin unto death, can break this tie."

    Sacred covenants that are made in the temple and honored wherever we go, are ways provided by God so that His promises can be kept. As a parent, you are assured that as long as you righteously do all that you can, you can leave the timing of your child's commitment and acceptance of the gospel to the Lord. As individuals and as families, we can progress "through righteous participation and commitment to covenants ... These covenants are the Lord's way of giving us far more than is asked in return. Through covenants we partake of the mercy of a loving God, willing to bring us back into His presence if we do our comparatively small part." (Successful Marriages and Families). 

    I desire that Elder D. Todd Christofferson's message may echo in your hearts: "I urge each one to qualify for and receive all the priesthood ordinances you can and then faithfully keep the promises you have made by the covenant. In times of distress, let your covenants be paramount and let your obedience be exact. Then you can ask in faith, nothing wavering, according to your need, and God will answer. He will sustain you as you work and watch. In His own time and way He will stretch forth his hand to you, saying, Here am I (2009, p.22)". 

Equal Partnership Between Men & Women In Families

    In today's post, we will be looking at equal partnership between men & women in families. 

    Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin taught: "The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father's children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole" (2008, p.18). Relating this to the topic at hand, it indicates that although men and women carry their differences, one gender is not above or lower than the other. Each puts forth valuable contributions to the whole (in this case, the family). 

    The story of our first parents furthers our understanding. Elder Earl C. Tingey once said: "You must not misunderstand what the Lord meant when Adam was told he was to have a helpmeet. A helpmeet is a companion suited to or equal to us. We walk side by side with a helpmeet, not one before or behind the other. A helpmeet results in an absolute equal partnership between a husband and a wife. Ebe was to be equal to Adam as a husband and wife are to be equal to each other" (2008, n.p.). 

    Elder Bruce C. Hafen, and his wife Marie explained: "Genesis 3:16 states that Adam is to "rule over" Eve, but this doesn't make Adam a dictator ... Over in "rule over" uses the Hebrew bet, which means ruling with, not ruling over ... The concept of interdependent equal partners is well-grounded in the doctrine of the restored gospel. Eve was Adam's 'help meet". The original Hebrew for meet means that Eve was adequate for, or equal to, Adam, she wasn't his servant or his subordinate" (2007, p. 27). Adam and Eve were to hearken unto one another. Men and women in families are to hearken unto one another in order for the plan of happiness to work. 

    In Successful Marriages and Families, we read of the essential relationship between equality and love, the kind of love the Savior and our Heavenly Father have for us. Although we are not their equals, "God ultimately hopes, plans and acts to create a path for his children to become as He is". This means that He hopes we will become His equals. Those that hold healthy parental love will do what they can so that their children and those that they love will one day stand as their equals, too. 

    Equal partnership also pertains to family responsibilities. President Boyd K. Packer (1989, p.75) has said, "There is no task, however menial, connected with the care of babies, the nurturing of children, or with the maintenance of the home that is not the husband's equal obligation". In Successful Marriages, it highlights that women do the same, indirectly or directly, in assisting their husbands with the burdens of supporting a family Being equal in partnership does not just refer to duties in the home, but also equal support in aspirations and dreams. 

    Successful Marriages and Families highlights that the benefits of couples that have an equal partnership have "happier relationships, better individual well-being, more effective parenting practices and better-functioning children. Researchers have consistently found that couples who share power are more satisfied and have better marital quality than couples where one spouse dominates". This is due to the fact that couples in equal partnership have fewer negative interactions, and therefore, more positive interactions. This also diminishes temptations for verbal and physical aggression. Equal partnership between husbands and wives positively affects parenting. This makes parents more prone to working as a team versus working separately. 

    As a Latter Day Saint, I affirm with surety that equal partnership in a marriage is a commandment.  To my lovely readers, I invite you to partake of this assessment that analyzes power in relationships. As you gain answers from this assessment, act to ensure that equal partnership is an active element in your marriage. 

    

Parenting With Love, Limits, and Latitude

     I'd like to begin with a quote by Elder Bruce R. McConkie (1970, vol. 1, p.23). He stated, "Being sbject to law, and having their agency, all spirits of men, while in the Eternal Presence, developed aptitudes, talents, capacities, and abilities of every sort, kind and degree. During the long expanse of life which then was, an infinite variety of talents and abilities came into being". 

    From this teaching, we can derive that the way we interact with and react to our earthly experiences is surely influenced by our spiritual identity and gifts that were nurtured in the pre-existence. At the same time, many interests, qualities and behaviors also stem from biological influences of the parents.

     "These characteristics include tendencies towards inhibition or shyness, sociability, impulsiveness and "thrill-seeking" activity level, aggression, cognition and language acuity, behavior problems, emotionality, and religiosity (Borstein & Lamb, 2011; Hart et al., 2003; Eisenberg, 2006; Kuczynski, 2003, and Smith & Hart, 2011). President James. E Faust (1990) shared, "Child rearing is so individualistic. Every child is different and unique. What works with one may not work with another". In order to rear our children in love and righteousness, we must focus on the gospel principle we learn of in the Family Proclamation, as well as "love, teach and guide them with an emphasis on teaching and preparing children rather than unrighteously controlling their wills" (Successful Marriages & Family). Dr. Glenn Latham expresses that any use of coercion, "to compel others to act or choose in a certain way ... to nullify individual will", "creates the image of expediency and efficiency, but it is only an image". 

    Some ways in which we can raise our children in love and righteousness are (Successful Marriages & Families):

• Love, warmth & support 
• Clear & reasonable expectations for competent behavior 
• Limits & boundaries with some room for negotiation and compromise
• Reasoning & developmentally appropriate consequences and punishments for breaching established limits
• Opportunities to perform competently and make choices
• Absence of coercive, hostile forms of discipline, such as harsh physical punishment, love withdrawal, shaming and inflicting guilt
• Models of appropriate behavior consistent with self-control, positive values and attitudes 

    These examples model the most favorable parenting style: authoritative parenting. 

    "Children and adolescents reared by authoritative parents tend to be better adjusted to school; are less aggressive and delinquent; are less likely to abuse drugs; are more friendly and accepted by peers; are more communicative, self-motivated, and academically inclined; and are more willing to abide by laws. They are also more capable of moral reasoning and are more self-controlled" (Hart et al., 2003).

 

    To parent with love, we learn from Elder M. Russell Ballard (2003, p.6) that as parents, we must spend quality and quantity time with our children in order to nurture them properly. President Ezra Taft Benson (1990, p.32) counselled parents to "take time to be a real friend to your children". He encourages us to talk, laugh, joke, sing, play, cry, laugh, hug and honestly praise them. 

 

    Parenting with limits requires "discipline or correction to be motivated by a sincere interest in teaching children correct principles rather than merely to exert control, exercise dominion or vent anger ... authoritative parents are confrontive by proactively explaining reasons for setting rules and by administering corrective measures promptly when children do not abide by the rules (Successful Marriages & Families).

 

    Elder M. Russell Ballard (2003, p.8) declares that parenting with latitude involves "helping children learn how to make decisions which require that parents give them a measure of autonomy, dependent on the age and maturity of the child and the situation at hand. Parents need to give children choices and should be prepared to appropriately adjust some rules, thus preparing children for real-world situation". 

 

    I would like to conclude with this truth: "Living in harmony with proclamation principles maximizes the possibilities that children will make choices that help them return to the presence of God" (Successful Marriages & Families).   

 

Young Adulthood & Pathways To Marriage

    In Successful Marriages & Families, Chapter 1: Young Adulthood & Pathways to Marriage, we learn of how marriage is no longer a priority or a milestone in adulthood as it has been in the past. Other accomplishments, such as financial independence and career advancements are determining the direction in which a young adult will go. This has influenced the rise in average age that individuals get married, which has been pushed to later in life as opposed to young adulthood.

    Jason S. Carroll shares insights as to how a new period experienced between adolescence and adulthood, "emerging adulthood (Arnett, 2000)" has occurred. "Emerging adulthood takes place when young adults have not yet entered into the commitments and lifestyle patterns of married adult life. This raises the important question: What kind of impact does this period of extended singleness have on adults' preparation for marriage and family life? (Successful Marriages and Families)" 

    Jason. S. Carroll indicated that some of the drawbacks from a modern dating and courtship culture with a lack of socially defined norms, rituals and relationship milestones are: pessimism about marriage, getting ahead before getting wed, hanging out and hooking up, and acceptance of cohabitation.

    In pessimism about marriage, Jason S. Carroll expresses that "pessimism about marriage and wariness of divorce among emerging adults is creating a culture of divorce preparation rather than a culture of marriage preparation." This leads to a young adult's need in thinking about oneself and actively choosing to live out the "single life" before getting married. Carroll references a recent study, where "more than half of young adults today rank having “fully experienced the single life” as an important criterion to achieve before getting married (Carroll, Badger, Willoughby, Nelson, Madsen, & Barry, 2009). 

    Getting ahead before getting wed can be understood as prioritizing one's own personal interests over formation of a marital relationship. In order to nurture our understanding, Jason S. Carroll connects us with another recent study, where we learn that "a considerable proportion of emerging adults reported that to be marriage-ready they not only needed to be financially independent from their parents (91 percent), but they also needed to be finished with their education (43 percent) and settled into a long-term career (51 per-cent) (Carroll et al., 2009)". This differs from life in the past as these financial goals were accomplished during married life, and are now desired to be accomplished prior to getting married. 

    Hanging out and hooking up reflects on how "young women and men more often “hang out” rather than go on planned dates. Young adults often report finding that even when they have been hanging out with someone over a period of time, they still do not know if they are a couple ... Even though premarital sexual behavior has been shown to be a significant risk factor for future marital success (Heaton, 2002), single life in modern culture has become synonymous with sexual experimentation in non-committed relationships" (Successful Marriages & Family). 

    Acceptance of cohabitation ties into the growing belief of young, emerging adults that cohabitation prior to marriage is a good way to avoid divorce. Using research to further expand, "Studies on cohabitation and later marital success have consistently found that couples who cohabit before marriage are more likely to divorce than couples who do not cohabit before marriage (Jose, O’Leary, & Moyer, 2010)". 

    Knowing the dangers of our modern and decomposing dating and courtship culture, we can competently prepare ourselves by enacting the "becoming" approach to dating. The becoming approach centers on "personal readiness, maturity, and growth (Successful Marriages & Family)." It emphasizes becoming ready for marriage and committing to marriage once that choice has been made. Other factors that strengthen our progression towards marriage are our ability to love and communicate. 

    In finding a "Choice Eternal Companion", Jason S. Caroll advises readers on what to consider when finding such a mate:

• When one should seek to get married
• Whom they should seek as a marriage companion
• How to date in ways that will most likely lead toward the formation of eternal marriages

 Elder Richard G. Scott gave us some insight into the first principle: "Throughout your life on earth, seek diligently to fulfill the fundamental purposes of this life through the ideal family. While you may not have yet reached that ideal, do all you can through obedience and faith in the Lord to consistently draw as close to it as you are able. Let nothing dissuade you from that objective". This means that there isn't a specific age or time to get married, but it is a goal that we should work toward so we can be ready when that time comes. 

    We learn in Successful Marriages & Families to be weary of the concept of soul mates versus eternal companions. A belief of soul mates can lead us into having unrealistic expectations, and not knowing how to respond when those expectations are not met. One will be going on a life-long search if we believe that the person we marry has to be perfect. "Even among Latter-Day Saints, soul mate beliefs can be lead to unrealistic expectations about marriage. In one study, Latter-Day Saint marriage counselors listed "unrealistic expectations of marriage or spouse" as the most frequently reported issue they encountered in their work (Stahmann & Adams, 1997)" (Successful Marriages & Families).

    President Spencer W. Kimball once said, “The successful marriage depends in large measure upon the preparation made in approaching it. . . . One cannot pick the ripe, rich, luscious fruit from a tree that was never planted, nurtured, nor pruned (1969, p. 242)”. 

I invite all the readers to prepare now with the end goal in mind, in order to create the marriage they dream of.